If you could rewind time...

okay .. where would you rewind it to?

It was the weirdest dream ever.

Probably because there were a lot on my mind and how even in my not so conscious state of mind, I wanted things to change.

It all started with me hanging out with friends, then someone came up to me and asked me if I wanted to make a change. I don't want to sound godly- empathetic (is there even such word) but I know how I am. I get affected by things happening around me. Be it friends, natural disasaters, Syria war, abused animals... EVERYTHING. Friends are asking why do I carry the weight on my shoulders but I really cannot explain it. I am always thinking "if only I could make a difference". So I told this stranger, "Yes, what can I do? How can you help?"

"Think of the day you want to go back to. I will bring you there."

I agreed almost immediately, not asking what was the catch. I started to think when should I go back to...

"Okay, I want to go back to xxx" (can't exactly remember when it was but I'm pretty sure it was my uni days"

"Think of the date in your mind, if you remember the details that happened on that day, even better."

Here we go."

I was back in school (not SIM per se but I knew it was school)

I was with my usual clique.

It was so fucking weird. I swear.

I turned to friend A. "So how are you and your bf(let's call him Adam)?"

"????? Huh what Adam? Did you just drift off or something?"

Weird. Damn weird. This means I went back way before they were together. I was trying to figure out when the fuck was I brought back to but I couldn't.

We just carried on walking and chatting about nonsense.

This was when I saw couples. Couples who have already broken up in MY time. It was bloody weird. Because I know they did not make it. I didn't know what to do. To tell? It was such tough decisions.

Then, the scene changed.

I was now with people I cared about.

It was so painful. (I'm literally tearing as I'm typing this) It was painful to see them so happy when I knew something was gonna happen. Nothing nice. It was all sad endings.

It was so hard for me to pretend everything was fine when I know things will turn out bad for them.

Then there were also friends I made after the "day I went back to". I smiled at.. let's call him Tom. He looked past me. It was as if he didn't knew me. I hit me then. The catch to this "making a change" was that people I met after the "day I went back to" will not know me - meaning, I have to make friends with them all over again.

I was so anxious. There were so many people I knew after that and I wanted to be there for them to tell them what to do and what not to do. I was going crazy. Because I didn't know how to approach, how to make them stop suffering. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

Overwhelmed. So overwhelmed by everything that I had to do and then I woke up. Crying.

Part of me wanted the dream to continue to see how things turn up. Part of me didn't wanted to because I was afraid. Afraid I screwed up..

There is actually much more to this dream but I don't think I can complete it. It hurts so bad and I am still feeling it now.

I just had to put this somewhere. Maybe I am indeed caring too much. More than I should..